My Story

I’ve debated back and forth whether or not to write this post. As I said earlier, my story really isn’t much different from others. But, I feel maybe if you know the whole story, it will help you to understand me a bit more. Not to mention maybe it will help me understand myself a bit more.

I grew up in a very unhealthy household, and not just in terms of nutrition. My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old, so I was raised in a broken and pretty unhappy home. My mom was constantly on a diet, which usually meant that I was too. While other kids were enjoying cookies and cream ice cream, I was eating skinny cow. Our pantries were lined with fat free labeled food products, and our fridge had processed food that was quick to make, with rarely any fruits or veggies in sight.

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High school girlfriends. When my self esteem was at an all time low

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I used to stare at this picture and cry for hours. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be beautiful

Other than that, I was a pretty normal kid till I hit jr. high. That was when I started noticing more things.  All the “pretty” girls got attention from boys. I didn’t understand why none of them liked me.  And then, one of them said it was because I was fat.

It was pretty much a downward spiral after that.  My mom would talk badly about overweight kids, and it drove me to stay thin. A doctor told me my BMI was high, so I starved myself before every appointment to try and get it down. My soccer coach told me I was too slow and wasn’t playing up to my potential, so I practiced longer and trained harder. Slim fast drinks became my breakfast and lunch. I started buying weight loss pills. I started lying to people who offered me food saying I had already ate.

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Soccer Party

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I loved my soccer girls so much, but I usually felt like the ugliest person in the world standing next to them

I compared myself to every girl possible, even my teachers. It got worse as I entered high school. I can’t even tell you how many outings I skipped because of how self conscious I felt. Instead of enjoying a night out with friends, I laid in bed crying. My stomach would growl during class, so I would chew gum by the pack to keep it quiet. I can still remember the first time I made myself throw up. I felt so stupid and ashamed for doing it, but I felt like I had no other choice. With all these people telling me I wasn’t good enough, I figured this was the only way to please them.hawaii4

Soccer tourny in Hawaii. I felt so awful here

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Same Tourny. Sissy has been my rock through the years. Her and I are both damaged goods, but somehow she manages to shine through it all.

I never got dangerously thin or horribly underweight.  That was never really the issue in my mind. I genuinely and completely hated myself, and that was the issue I battled.  All the starving and making myself throw up wasn’t to be skinny.  It was instead my way of searching for self acceptance.  It was my way of trying to find my beauty.

I think my journey is different from others because it all stayed in the dark. To this day neither of my parents know the struggles I had and still have. I was never admitted to any hospital. I’ve never consulted a nutritionist. I did go to a therapist once or twice, but that was more for my depression and not for an eating disorder.

I am not going to self diagnose myself and say that I had an eating disorder. Again I was never admitted or even confronted about it. I would say however that I had very poor self esteem and hurt myself in very bad ways. I was so preoccupied with trying to make others happy, that I didn’t care if it was at my expense. I think because my issues have never been truly dealt with, I have lingering issues today.

I can honestly say I have never felt beautiful in my life, not even on my wedding day. I actually cried several times that day because I felt so disgusting. I felt like Ninja deserved more, and I was horrified of walking down that isle and letting everyone see me.

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Bestie and I at my Bachelorette Party. I was staying under 1,000 cals at this time in preparation for the wedding.DSC_4261

Wedding Day. Deciding on which earrings to wear. I couldn’t wait until the day was overDSC_4463

Watching our slide show.  I was relieved to know that everyone was looking at a screen no
w instead of at me

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I’m not sure if you can tell by my face, but I was trying to stay strong and push through the day. I just wanted to run away and hide

Ninja and I rarely fight about anything, but when we do it is about my self esteem issues. I don’t like when he tells me I’m beautiful, because I don’t believe him. I believe that HE believes it, but I have a mirror, and I know what he sees can’t be any better than what I do. Ninja has never once said ANYTHING to make me doubt myself or want to change how I look, it is all my stupid, messed up head. I just feel he can do better, and that he DESERVES better.

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I yelled at Ninja after this picture. I was so ashamed when he picked me up. I didn’t want him to realize how heavy I was.

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It was difficult when we first started dating, because I didn’t want him to touch me.  I thought he would be able to feel my fat.

I often think that maybe we should have waited to get married until I had this whole mess figured out, but I truly think God brought us together so that Ninja could help HEAL me. If anyone can make me feel beautiful, I know he can. Sometimes he is the only thing that helps me make it through the day.

I hope to one day be completely free of this. I hope to be able to eat a piece of cake with my husband and not calculate the calories. I hope to be able to workout because I enjoy it and not because I feel I need it. But most importantly I hope to one day look in the mirror and see what my husband sees when he looks at me.

Keep the faith

37 comments to My Story

  • You’re a very strong person for writing this post, girl. I’m sorry that you’ve been going through these struggles on your own for so long. But you do have a wonderful husband who loves you, and sees you for what you really are: a beautiful, strong woman. Stay strong, and please email me if you ever want to talk. I think you’re very pretty, and don’t let anyone tell you different…EVER!

  • What an amazing story! I’m so sorry that you put yourself through all of that :( You are SUCH a beautiful girl, both when you were younger, and now! Seriously, your GORGEOUS! I think one of the things that has helped me most with my self esteem is realizing that so many other people feel the same way I do. I truly believe that what WE see in the mirror isn’t what everyone else sees. We pick at our imperfections, we magnify our inadequacies. But seriously, girl, you’re SO beautiful, inside and out. (And don’t sell yourself short with the inner beauty thing, because of course you’ve got that going on, but you’re also hot on the outside!!!)

    Thanks for sharing this, I think it’s such a powerful message you’ve got here. Love you!! :)

  • im so happy u wrote this.. it is so brave of you and we love YOU.. dont ever forget that.. u are always beautiful in our eyes
    i mean that.

  • Oh, hun, thank you for being so brave and opening up about your struggles. I know it’s not easy to admit to the things that eat us up inside, and I really admire your courage for sharing it with us <3

    That being said, it breaks my heart to see you being so hard on yourself :( You don't deserve that because you're so incredibly beautiful. Ninja sees it. We all see it. And I know it can be so frustrating to want to see it yourself, but not be able to. I struggled (and still sometimes struggle) with the same thing… I think everyone does. People would compliment me, and I would assume they were just trying to be nice. My lack of self-esteem sent me into the downward spiral of an ED that almost killed me, and while I'm heaps better than I used to be, I'm still working on loving myself entirely. It's a long journey, but it WILL get better with time. Something that always helped me was fighting back against negative thoughts with positive ones. If your head starts trying to tell you something horrible about yourself, tell it to shut up and say something nice about yourself instead. I know it sounds silly, and it doesn't even seem to work at first… but believe me, in the long run it actually does help.

    You're beautiful… don't you forget it! <3

  • And I hope too that someday you see what ALL of us see when we look at you! A strong, beautiful, amazing woman! I can relate to pretty much all of your story actually! We are so similar! But haha I haven’t really been brave enough to talk about it yet, unlike YOU! You are so strong and amazing an inspiring and seriously, you are completely and utterly gorgeous, and I say that completely honestly. Not only do you have a beautiful heart, but you’re beautiful on the outside too <3

  • I’m so happy you wrote this. I think you are gorgeous inside and out for writing this. As I was reading I was almost in shock. I thought she’s so pretty and gorgeous!
    I could feel myself relating to every single word in this post (even from the “being angry after Ninja picked me up because he would know how heavy I was” I’ve had that same thought).
    I know how you feel. I look back on every. single. picture in my life and realize how completely unhappy I was with my self-image.
    I truly hope one day you can see how gorgeous you are inside and out. Because we all love you and accept you! <3 Keep it up :)

  • I am SO glad you wrote this post. This post is my story to the TEE! I never got “too thin” but battled with an unhealthy mind set for YEARS! To this day I try to battle through the thoughts sometimes. No one knows or has ever known about my issues. My parents divorced when I was two also, leaving me to grow up with my mom and autistic sister.

    People assume you have to be admitted to a hospital or fall below a certain weight to be considered having an ED, but when your eating habits are disordered (counting calories excessively, purging, binging, guilt over eating) then I think that is considered a form of an ED. Those are all the things I have done yet never needed physical help because I always tried to pull myself out. I am at a good point right now, but only time can tell if I fall back into obsessive eating ways. You are amazing, strong AND beautiful and even if you don’t believe it when you hear it people will continue to say it because it IS true. Thank you for sharing this. You ROCK!

  • You are beautiful! I’m glad God has given you such a wonderful husband who is continually there to support you. More than anyone else, though, as you “Keep the Faith” may God continue to reveal how he sees you and the great beauty he’s put inside of you. I’m not sure why us females have to struggle with this so much, but I think at some point or another, we all do. When I’m feeling down on myself, I really love this song, it’s freeing to me, especially when listened to really, really loud :)

    There is a light that shines within me
    there is a hope that burns inside me
    deep within my soul, my very existence
    there is a being waiting to be freed

    a child who knows no fear, pain, or rejection
    there is an emotion all encompassing
    of excitement, joyfullness, gladness, and love

    with the creative potential of laughter
    and the undeniable power of an infants joy live inside me
    unmeasurable are my limits for i call you Father
    unimaginable my potential for You have called me son

    there is someone inside of me waiting to be unleashed
    whom You embraced
    whom i long to be

    there is an all-consuming fire
    a light that permeates from my very being
    You have unlocked me God
    and the doors You opened no man can shut

    i will praise You for all my days for You are good
    You have released me God with Your love
    You are everything

  • All I can say is wow. Your story is so moving. It takes A LOT of strength to open up like that. Boy can I relate to your feelings, I was near tears reading this. Ugghh ED’s just plain suck, don’t they? I pray one day you can totally bury this ED and stand in the light of God with strength and happiness :) We’re all rooting for you girl!
    Honestly, I think you’re gorgeous!!! :) I mean holy cow, you look absolutley STUNNING in your wedding pictures, your hair/makeup/dress/everything is just flawless and beautiful! You keep fighting, it WILL pay off!

  • Oh Kat, first of all YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Can I have your hair?

    I feel like you wrote this out of the thoughts that go on in my own mind! I feel completely UGLY and gross compared to my beautiful and flawless friends. I pretty much hate myself and it’s a horrible thing to deal with. You are not alone, hun!

    One thing I am learning though, is that no matter what we LOOK like, people will still treat you the same. You are always going to be the SAME person to the people that love you most. They don’t care what you look like and they’re not going to notice weight loss or gain. What does matter is what we think of ourselves, beauty is within. It’s a hard thing to learn, really hard. But it’s true.

    Heavenly Father doesn’t look on the outward appearance, either. It’s all in our heads, our hardest critic is ourselves.

    I watched this movie on YouTube and it’s really sweet. It’s about a girl who thinks she is so ugly and gross but the richest, most handsome guy in the Hawaiian village wants to marry her. He pays a really high price for her which shocks everyone, (the man pays the father of the woman they want to marry in cows). Haha. It’s about 20 minutes long, but you should watch it, I love it. It’s called Johnny Lingo and it’s really old, made in the 80s or something, but it’s way cute and has a wonderful message. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZZHpmKOsqA

  • Unbelievable how much I can relate to you in this post…even now…I will be praying for you, because I know how terrible it feels…at least now, you are at the point where you can recognize it. God is already working :) One thing that really has helped me is this song by Jason Mraz: There Could Never Be A More Beautiful You andddd You Make Everything Glorious by: David Crowter Band. They are great reminders that we are TREASURED and BEAUTIFUL, created by God…Just think…everytime you don’t feel beautiful enough, you’re questioning God. He doesn’t make ANYTHING ugly, remember? :) Love you girl!!! Sounds like you’ve already come SO far and I’m proud of you…It’s crazy, like I said, how many times I have had those exact SAME thoughts though…JUST this weekend when Jarid picked me up, I was thinking that SAME thing you were….and literally, this post hit home for me. HANG IN THERE! XOXOXOXOXOX. Much love and prayers, babe. (Sorry for the HUGE comment. LOL)

  • Confession: I felt like a messy-haired cow-lick having, flabby armed WRECK on my wedding day. I wish 90% of the photos could be deleted… who says that? I do! I cant even describe how much I can relate girl. But I have to point out that you are 110% STUNNING in every one of those photos, in photos you didn’t post, and i’m certain in “real life” as well. I don’t want to write a small novel on here but if you ever want to – email me =) I’m always good for a good vent sesh! Love you like WOAH! <3

  • Beatiful story, thank you for sharing. Really, you have nothing to be ashamed of or worried about or anything. I’m sure many of us can relate. I remember those thoughts hitting heavy in high school, too…and I’d do the same thing, comparing myself to everyone, even teachers, and calming the growling stomach with gum or by drinking a ton of water. I’d count EVERY calorie, going through every single thing that went into my mouth and crunching the numbers during class. Unfortunately, it didn’t end there..but that’s a whole other story. I’m just glad you were able to find a balance before it got tough and that you never got dangerously underweight. You’re gorgeous, so strong and healthy now..it’s amazing!! You’re amazing!

  • Thank you for being so open and honest. Know that you are not alone in the way you feel. Many will not so openly admit their insecurities but everyone has them. I know its hard to see what other people see because we really are our worst critic. Remember that real beauty comes from the inside…when you’ve got it on the inside it will shine though and everybody sees it…and I definitely see your beauty, girlfriend! :)

  • This is such a beautiful and honest post. You definitely have a great circle of blogging friends who are here for you and will always support you. We can’t always feel beautiful but it’s good to know that others always think we are. Ninja was there as your angel to help you be a stronger person. You are beautiful :D

  • WOW. Kat. You are so brave for writing this post. I hope that someday you can see what your husband and all of us see. I can relate to your story in so many ways and I can understand HOW hard it is to feel that way. You truly are a beautiful person and I have to tell you I am tearing up as I comment to have read how much pain you are in and how you can not see how wonderful and amazing and beautiful you are. I hope you go to HLS this year so I can meet you and give you a big hug xxoo

  • Kat

    Lady, you are SO strong. I hurt for that girl in high school, because I know what it was like to look in the mirror and wonder, “Why?” To this day, I still struggle with accepting myself. I find victory in the way my body feels after a run, or when I’m truly proud of an outfit that I’ve come up with. When it’s just me and the mirror? I can so quickly become my own worst enemy. I will keep you and your struggle in my heart!

  • Kat, I could not believe that I was reading this post on YOUR blog because ever since I first saw a picture of you I have considered you one of the most gorgeous redheads that I know. I’m not sure if that is what you want to hear or if it is going to help at all, but it’s the truth. I’m glad that you have Ninja there for you to help you through this (random, but as I’m typing this, “Just the way you are” by Bruno Mars came on my iTunes haha). Anyways, I am always here if you need anything and thanks for sharing your story. <3 Krista

  • Kat, you are such a strong lady. I know how you feel — that sense of just restricting yourself (not in a way to lose weight necessarily, but just to be happy with yourself). Sometimes when people find their lives out of their control, they decide to control at least ONE thing in their lives, and it turns out many decide to restrict food. Some days when I look into the mirror, I don’t like what I see, even though there is nothing wrong with what I see. I’m just dissatisfied. But on those days, when I start thinking negative thoughts, I replace each negative thought with three positive thoughts. Like, instead of focussing “I hate my theighs,” I will say “I love my eyes,” “I love my hair,” “I love my smile.” You are absolutely beautiful my dear. Always remember that.

  • Meg

    Wow, this is a beautiful post and you are so strong for posting it. I wish there was a magical word or phrase I could say to tell you how beautiful you really are – that hair of yours, your beautiful smile, everything about you is lovely and I know I’m not the only one who thinks that for sure. :)

  • Your Sister

    I love you, Sissy. I am so sorry that you’ve struggled all these years. I get it. I wish you could see the beauty I see. It’s not just the outside, Kate. You are pure gold inside too!

  • I agree with Meg. This post is beautiful. You’ll get there, and letting him help you will only bring you closer together.

  • woman, thank you so much for sharing this! it shows how much strength and courage you have to write such an honest peice. the more people that share stories like this the less isolating eating and self esteems issues become. does that make sense? i remember feeling really alone and bizarre when i was struggling with my eating habits and lonely feelings. you are awesome for putting this out!!!!!
    ps- i’d definitely check out the perfect scoop from the library or david lebovitz’s blog. lots of his recipes are on there.

  • Laura

    Reading your story gave me chills! You are such a brave and beautiful person for sharing your experiences so honestly and openly. There were moments where I swore up and down that we are one and the same… it feels good to know that we’re not alone in our feelings sometimes, even if they’re horrible and you wouldn’t wish them on anyone else in the world. I wish you nothing but happy, healthy and BEAUTIFUL feelings today and every day for the rest of your life!

  • I somewhat randomly came across your blog and your story brought a tear to my eye. I had an eating disorder and felt the way it seems like you feel now. Just thinking back on those times makes me so sad for you. You are absolutely gorgeous (seriously- I love your hair!!!) and I hope one day you can see that. It took a lot for me to see it in myself, and please feel free to email me if you ever need any words of encouragement or support! Best of luck!!!1

  • [...] my rest days include incline walking or yoga. I never just take a day off. I am still battling those demons that tell me that skipping a workout is not [...]

  • Thank you for your honesty. A LOT of women and girls can relate to your struggles. It’s so sad how many of us have difficulty with self-esteem. But I believe something similar to you… God put my husband in my life to show me His love for me. I get to see every day just a little of how much HE loves me through my husband. Pretty cool stuff. ;)

  • I just came across your blog from Meg’s and found my way to this post. You are a woman with so much courage, especially for writing and sharing this! You ARE beautiful and have a big heart. With time, you will realize this too <3 take care!

  • [...] ProudHands down this has to go to the post My Story.  I was so nervous to share my post with you guys, but you guys welcomed it with open arms and [...]

  • Oh my goodness, this is just so heartbreaking to read. You deserve so much more than this paralyzing debilitating feeling inside and I am sad it still lingers but I know that it WILL go away as you continue to grow in your relationships with your loved ones and God.
    I could tell you how beautiful you are but I also know it will not absorb so I will not mention that. Oh – I guess I just did.
    Hang in there, we can find a place of peace, have faith!~

  • [...] said numerous times how I have struggled with my body image. It is an ongoing battle, but today was one of those days where I really felt like I was [...]

  • Lauren Yackuboskey

    I’m so glad I found your blog. I felt like I was reading the story of my life. But you need to know that there is hope. I have been struggling with the same issues most of my life (I’m 34 so I’d say probably since I was about 12). BUT it is getting better. You are so beautiful and I know no matter how many people tell you that you will not believe it (trust me I can relate). But I couldn’t believe it when I read that you hated how you looked on your wedding day. You seriously looked like you stepped out of a bridal magazine!!! blessings to you, and prayers that your self esteem improves. You seem like such a genuine sweet person, and you deserve happiness!!! God bless,
    Lauren

  • [...] all (or most) of you know my story. A lot of us have similar ones. We grew up hating ourselves and despising our bodies. We starved, [...]

  • [...] of you are familiar enough with my story about past unhealthy eating habits and body image. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while now, you may even remember I FINALLY ditched [...]

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