I’ve debated back and forth whether or not to write this post. As I said earlier, my story really isn’t much different from others. But, I feel maybe if you know the whole story, it will help you to understand me a bit more. Not to mention maybe it will help me understand myself a bit more.
I grew up in a very unhealthy household, and not just in terms of nutrition. My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old, so I was raised in a broken and pretty unhappy home. My mom was constantly on a diet, which usually meant that I was too. While other kids were enjoying cookies and cream ice cream, I was eating skinny cow. Our pantries were lined with fat free labeled food products, and our fridge had processed food that was quick to make, with rarely any fruits or veggies in sight.
High school girlfriends. When my self esteem was at an all time low
I used to stare at this picture and cry for hours. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be beautiful
Other than that, I was a pretty normal kid till I hit jr. high. That was when I started noticing more things. All the “pretty” girls got attention from boys. I didn’t understand why none of them liked me. And then, one of them said it was because I was fat.
It was pretty much a downward spiral after that. My mom would talk badly about overweight kids, and it drove me to stay thin. A doctor told me my BMI was high, so I starved myself before every appointment to try and get it down. My soccer coach told me I was too slow and wasn’t playing up to my potential, so I practiced longer and trained harder. Slim fast drinks became my breakfast and lunch. I started buying weight loss pills. I started lying to people who offered me food saying I had already ate.
I loved my soccer girls so much, but I usually felt like the ugliest person in the world standing next to them
I compared myself to every girl possible, even my teachers. It got worse as I entered high school. I can’t even tell you how many outings I skipped because of how self conscious I felt. Instead of enjoying a night out with friends, I laid in bed crying. My stomach would growl during class, so I would chew gum by the pack to keep it quiet. I can still remember the first time I made myself throw up. I felt so stupid and ashamed for doing it, but I felt like I had no other choice. With all these people telling me I wasn’t good enough, I figured this was the only way to please them.
Soccer tourny in Hawaii. I felt so awful here
Same Tourny. Sissy has been my rock through the years. Her and I are both damaged goods, but somehow she manages to shine through it all.
I never got dangerously thin or horribly underweight. That was never really the issue in my mind. I genuinely and completely hated myself, and that was the issue I battled. All the starving and making myself throw up wasn’t to be skinny. It was instead my way of searching for self acceptance. It was my way of trying to find my beauty.
I think my journey is different from others because it all stayed in the dark. To this day neither of my parents know the struggles I had and still have. I was never admitted to any hospital. I’ve never consulted a nutritionist. I did go to a therapist once or twice, but that was more for my depression and not for an eating disorder.
I am not going to self diagnose myself and say that I had an eating disorder. Again I was never admitted or even confronted about it. I would say however that I had very poor self esteem and hurt myself in very bad ways. I was so preoccupied with trying to make others happy, that I didn’t care if it was at my expense. I think because my issues have never been truly dealt with, I have lingering issues today.
I can honestly say I have never felt beautiful in my life, not even on my wedding day. I actually cried several times that day because I felt so disgusting. I felt like Ninja deserved more, and I was horrified of walking down that isle and letting everyone see me.
Watching our slide show. I was relieved to know that everyone was looking at a screen no
w instead of at me
I’m not sure if you can tell by my face, but I was trying to stay strong and push through the day. I just wanted to run away and hide
Ninja and I rarely fight about anything, but when we do it is about my self esteem issues. I don’t like when he tells me I’m beautiful, because I don’t believe him. I believe that HE believes it, but I have a mirror, and I know what he sees can’t be any better than what I do. Ninja has never once said ANYTHING to make me doubt myself or want to change how I look, it is all my stupid, messed up head. I just feel he can do better, and that he DESERVES better.
I yelled at Ninja after this picture. I was so ashamed when he picked me up. I didn’t want him to realize how heavy I was.
It was difficult when we first started dating, because I didn’t want him to touch me. I thought he would be able to feel my fat.
I often think that maybe we should have waited to get married until I had this whole mess figured out, but I truly think God brought us together so that Ninja could help HEAL me. If anyone can make me feel beautiful, I know he can. Sometimes he is the only thing that helps me make it through the day.
I hope to one day be completely free of this. I hope to be able to eat a piece of cake with my husband and not calculate the calories. I hope to be able to workout because I enjoy it and not because I feel I need it. But most importantly I hope to one day look in the mirror and see what my husband sees when he looks at me.
Keep the faith