Lately I’ve been in a bit of a funk.
I haven’t mentioned anything openly on the blog because I really wasn’t sure what the cause of it was – I’ve just been feeling unmotivated, a bit lost and a whole lot frustrated. It’s like I’m stuck in this quicksand and the more I struggle to free myself the more I find myself sinker deeper and deeper. For the first time in a long time I feel trapped of my own doing with no real answers as to why or how.
Looking back I think the trigger has been my inability to grow this blog and my “business”.
I realize that these things take time, but then I look at others who are flourishing at exactly the thing I want to be doing and I can’t help but compare myself to them:
What does she have that I don’t?
How did she grow her following so quickly?
What am I doing wrong?
How can I make myself more appealing?
And the list goes on [and on…].
At first all I could think about was all of the things that I was doing wrong. My personality isn’t appealing, my photos aren’t pretty, my recipes aren’t creative, I lack that “it” factor that so many others have…
And those negative thoughts did a number on me.
I wish I could tell you that old ED thoughts didn’t grab control of my life for the past few weeks. I wish I could tell you that I haven’t struggled daily with body image issues, guilt and shame. I wish I could tell you that my diet and exercise habits haven’t been effected. I wish I could tell you that I’m stronger than all of this.
The truth is though, that sometimes we fall short of our own expectations in life and we’ve got to learn how to handle the emotions that come as a result of that.
When it comes down to it, it’s my obsession with perfection that really has been the issue these past few weeks. This idea of perfection – that everything needs to look a certain way, be a certain way and feel a certain way – has always been what my ED latches onto most.
I know there is no room in life for perfection. In simplest terms, perfection doesn’t exist – it’s created within our own minds and as such, everyone’s definition of “perfect” is something different. For some reason though, I’m having a really hard time letting go of it.
I’ve never been very good at showing myself grace. I’m horribly hard on myself to the point where it really can become borderline abusive, so having a standard set as high as “perfection” means I’m almost always in a state of letting myself down from not being able to achieve it. It’s exhausting to be honest and I feel like I’ve reached a breaking point – I’m either going to succumb to it all and tumble down the hill or I’m going to climb those last few steps and find my way over the mountain.
Either way I know one thing is for sure – there’s no such thing as perfect.
Do you struggle with perfectionism?