As you read this I am either sitting in an airport terminal or sitting on an airplane, on my way to Virginia with Ninja. We are taking a few days to go spend some time with his sister – something that I am both apprehensive and excited about.
Excited because I love Ninja’s family and want to spend more time with them, but apprehensive because it means that I’ll be taken away from my comfort, from my bubble and from my routine.
You see, I’m a control freak. I think that was one of the things that really triggered and helped to give my ED room to take root and grow – I have this never ending need to be in control of 100% of my life at all times. Over the years I have learned to give what I can to God – I know that He is the only one who is truly ever in control – however that doesn’t mean that I don’t have a set schedule, set routine and set way of doing things.
Which 100% gets thrown off course during vacation.
I no longer have the same food to eat.
I don’t have the same workout schedule.
I have a different sleep schedule.
I don’t have the comforts of my own home.
And now that I’m gluten-free, I also have the additional task of trying to find restaurants and foods to eat that are safe for me – all while in a place that I’ve never been too. And while I do not have Celiac and consuming gluten won’t have horrid consequences like it will for some, it will cause fairly severe stomach pains, brain fog and insomnia for me [amongst other symptoms] – something that I don’t really want to deal with when I’m supposed to be on vacation!
But if I’m being entirely honest, it isn’t even the gluten that I’m worried about.
It’s the fact that for a few days, I won’t be 100% in control of everything that I’m doing. It’s that unknown factor.
My daily life doesn’t have many unknowns. I know that when I wake up, I have to head to the gym for work. I know that after work I get to workout. I know that after I workout I get to come home, shower and eat whatever I want. I know that after I do all that, I get to sit down at my computer and work on a freelance piece or do a photoshoot or two.
It’s all known to me – it’s all routine, scheduled, set.
But even as I sit here and type all of this I can’t help but wonder what life is like outside of this bubble I’ve created around myself – outside my comfort zone? I’ve gotten a little taste of it with becoming a Trainer – and it has been one of the most rewarding and exciting experiences of my life.
Should that not motivate and propel me into stepping out more? I wish it did y’all, I truly do.
I wish that I could sit here and tell you that writing this post has inspired me to be better at letting go of all that control, that rigidness, that routine – but I just can’t really say that. What it has done however, is really made me sit back and reflect and think about the reasons why I cling so bravely to that routine of mine, and the only real answer that I can come up with is because I’m afraid.
I’m afraid that if I relinquish control, if I give up my routine, if I just say “screw it” and leave it all to chance – that I’ll start to backslide to a place that I promised my once broken self that I’d never go again. That somehow, someway that ED demon that is locked away so deep within me will break free and rise again, destroying everything that I’ve worked so hard to rebuild all these years.
The question that I face now is – is it worth the risk to face the “what ifs”?
Because what if I can do it.
What if I’m more prepared than I think.
What if letting go is easier than I thought.
What if I’m stronger than I give myself credit for.
What if all of these “what ifs” are simply empty questions that my own insecurities are using to hold me back, clipping my wings to make sure that I not only never fly but also never fall. What if I’m hindering my own growth out of fear of the unknown and not giving myself enough of a chance to grow, flourish and see what else is out there.
I guess those are the questions that I’m going to have to ponder.
Until then, I’m off to Virginia. See you guys next week.
No questions today. Just tell me something you’ve reflected on recently!