Last night I ate some pizza. When I say I ate some pizza, I actually mean a lot. And by a lot I actually mean the entire thing. By myself.
Remember this pizza?
Well I ate it all. In one sitting. Without any help.
And I don’t feel one ounce of guilt.
Because this morning I got up at 630AM and had a grueling but fun workout. Because I walked my mom’s dog for an hour. Because I’ve been living off smoothies for breakfast and lunch because it’s too hot to want anything else.
And the most important reasons? Because I wanted to. Because I was hungry. Because I couldn’t find a reason not to.
Do I feel bad? No, not really. I’m not overly stuffed at all. I don’t feel like I’m going to puke. And most important, I’m totally satisfied.
Being someone who has battled an ED for years, this is a pretty big moment for me. Sure, I’ve eaten lots of food before. But never without guilt. I always left the table feeling bad. I always left with the intention of murdering myself in a workout the next day.
But not this time.
Maybe it’s because the pizza was thin crust, loaded with veggies, and roughly 660 calories. Maybe it’s because it had a good amount of protein. Maybe it’s because it had a whole wheat crust.
Or maybe it’s because I’m finally getting to the point where I can eat food without analyzing what’s going into my mouth.
Regardless of the reason why I was able to eat this entire pizza, I’m proud of myself. That may seem weird to you. That someone would be proud of themselves for eating an entire pizza, but I really don’t care. For the first time in my life, I was able to eat a “bad” food, and a lot of it, without wanting to make myself puke or starve myself for the next week.
I’m going to be proud of myself for that.
Do you deal with food guilt? What food makes you feel the most guilty?