And that’s the main focus of this post. Numbers.

Before I hit up the doctor’s office to waste my money and my time, I decided to hit up Target to look at their sale racks. I don’t know why I go in to that store. I mean really. That place is my ultimate weakness.

Anyway, I grabbed some pants off the sale rack and headed into the dressing room. I’m going to be real brave here and share my pant size with you all, so please, be nice to me. Anyway, I grabbed a pair of the new Levi jeans that Target is selling in a size 8 (because that’s what I wore in high school) and a pair of Target brand jeans in a size 11 because they were cute and cheap.

I tried the size 11’s on first and they were too tight in the waist and it freaked me out. I had a mini tantrum in the dressing room as I threw the pants at the mirror. But then I tried on my tried and true Levi’s in size 8 and they fit like a glove. What the heck Target?

I am a very awkward shape. I’d call it an athletic shape to the extreme. Broad shoulders and wide back, smaller waist, big booty and thunder thighs with short legs. This is why I hate pant shopping. I literally have to buy pants (and even shorts) a size or so bigger in most places because they don’t fit my thighs and booty. And I don’t know why I let it bother me, because then I try on my Levi’s and realize that I’m not really a size 11 (not that there’s anything wrong with being a size 11!!)

The point is, I focus way too much on the number. I have known for years that Target’s pants come in weird sizes. I actually don’t think I have ever bought a pair of pants from there that have actually really fit me. And yet still, I freak out every time that I try to buy pants from there.

Now comes the doctor’s appointment. After getting called in, I followed the nurse to my old nemesis, the scale. I stepped on it and dropped my head down so I couldn’t see the number. I never look. I just completely avoid it so that it doesn’t upset me. But then the nurse did what they usually never do, and said the number. Out Loud. I cringed. I looked around to see if every nurse had turned in their chairs to give me the once over. I expected to see doctors running down the halls to lecture me on being overweight. You may think I’m kidding, but I’m not. These are all the things that ran through my head in that moment.

I sat down with a thump in the chair and let the nurse take my blood pressure. It was perfect, of course. And yet all I cared about were the numbers she had mentioned moments ago. Who cared about the good numbers she had just told me about, what about the BAD numbers she had mentioned?! How could I possibly weigh that much?

Once again, I’m going to share my number with you, so please, if you have nothing nice to say, keep it to your damn self. I have enough issues without other people chiming in.

I weigh 150lbs. I may or may not have backspaced that number 10x before actually publishing this post, but if I am ever going to truly recover from this stupid ED, than I need to learn that these numbers are just that, numbers. They don’t determine anything else about me.

But in that moment at the doctors office, that number told me I was a failure. It told me I was a fat failure who was never going to accomplish anything so I might as well just give up now. It told me I was 150lbs of lies. It told me I was 150lbs of worthlessness.

I drove home in a fog. I walked through the door and I put on my workout gear, prepared to workout for the rest of the day if that’s what I needed to do to drop some weight. And then I looked in the mirror and saw something different.

I saw that I’m 150lbs of determination
I saw that I’m 150lbs of stubbornness
I saw that I’m 150lbs of athlete
I saw that I’m 150lbs of muscle
I saw that I’m 150lbs of can’t stop won’t stop
I saw that I’m 150lbs of bootylicious
I saw that I’m 150lbs of heart
I saw that I’m 150lbs of grit
I saw that I’m 150lbs of spit fire
I saw that I’m 150lbs of recovery

And then I looked through my photos on my phone and scanned through the pictures.

I’m not fat. Sure, I may have love handles and a bit of weight on my arms, but I’m not overweight. Or obese. Or any other word that goes with fat.

Those numbers, size 8 (and sometimes 11) and 150lbs, are just that. NUMBERS. They don’t reveal anything about me. Nothing that matters anyway. They don’t show my victories, courage, strength, determination, battle scars or heart. Those are all the things I’m most proud of. Those are all the things I want people to care about when they see me. Not the numbers.

So if I want people to care about all the things that CAN’T be shown or described with a number, then why should I care about those numbers either?

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Tell me the truth: Do numbers matter to you?

Ready to see yesterday’s eats?! There was some good stuff in there, although looking at it now, I really need to work on my veggie intake.

Breakfast: 2 rice cakes, 1 topped with PB & flax, 1 topped with cinnamon raisin PB, strawberries and 2 eggs
Lunch: whole wheat turkey sandwhich with spinach & hummus, Chobani with bloobs
Dinner: ww tortilla topped with marinara, cheese, & refried beans with asparagus
Dessert: banana soft serve topped with melted PB & dark chocolate pretzels
Snack: Chobani, kashi wheat squares, berries, pumpkin seeds & walnuts

And then there was this post workout snack I had. Like I said, yesterday was leg day, which means I am usually hungry ALL. FREAKIN. DAY. Enter in this little gem that I have been making for a while now. Every time I make it I change it a little, which makes me love it that much more!

Banana Protein Cake
Quick to make and packed with nutrition!

Ingredients:

• 1 egg
• 1 T coconut flour
• 1 T mashed nanaer
• 1 T flaxseeds
• 1 T almond milk
• pinch baking powder
• few drops stevia

Mix it all up and nuke it in a mug for about 1:20. Top with desired toppings and enjoy! I topped mine with melted PB, chocolate sauce and 1/2 a naner

Oh. My. Lanta. I’m usually not a fan of these little cakes. I find they take more effort than they are worth, but this little thing is so freakin tasty, and just what my taste buds were wanting. It really does have a cake like texture, and it isn’t bland, although I guess I have it covered in so much stuff how could it be right?!

Welp, I’ve got a busy busy day ahead of me, so I’d better get to it! Maybe I can FINALLY do some blog catch up later. Sorry for the lack of commenting lately, I’ll work on getting better I promise!

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Do you have a day during the week that you are always hungrier than other days? Mine is leg day (or Wednesday)
What’s your favorite post workout snack?

First up, a big bowl of carbs.

Kashi shreded wheat, almond milk and a plethora of strawberries

Anyone else NOT measure their cereal? Ya, I don’t. I used to. I used to measure every little thing I put into my mouth. But not anymore, and definitely not on my “me” day!

After breakfast I laced up my sneakers, but not for a run. I went to Mama’s house and walked her dogs with her. One full hour of a gentle walk in this incredible weather we are having today. After our walk, I hit up the grocery store, since grocery shopping is literally one of my favorite pastimes. Don’t believe me? I do it 2x a week, even if we don’t need food. I’ll go out just to look. It’s like my secret addiction.

After the store I came home, unpacked my goodies, and headed out for another walk, this time across the street to a nearby Starbucks to meet an old friend of mine. I could’ve drove, but the weather is way too gorgeous and it literally is 10 minutes away, plus I really enjoyed it!

 Obligatory selfies obviously took place

Grande iced coffee with 2 pumps toffee nut and a splash of non-fat milk

After about 2 hours of chit chat, my friend and I parted ways and I made the trek back home. Once through the door, I immediately whipped up lunch for the screaming belly of mine.

grilled cheese and carrot fries with ketchup

Grilled cheeses will always be a go-to meal for me. I refuse to ever get too old for them! And carrot fries just go perfectly with everything. I love getting them a little bit burnt and crispy. Does that make me weird?

After lunch I whipped up a batch of pops since it’s been so freakin’ hot. I love having tasty little treats handy for post workout or just when that craving hits! I make these pops with Chobani so that there is a nice chunk of protein in them!

Chocolate pops stuffed with Snackamal crumbles for a little extra treat

I’ve made these babies in so many variations I can’t even remember them all, but these ones are definitely one of my favorites! I also really love the strawberry cheesecake ones I make…

And to wrap up my “me” day, I’ve been laying on my couch, pop in hand, listening to this guy sing, because he’s freaking amazing. His voice is so unique, which I’m a total sucker for. He actually reminds me of Dave Matthews at times…

I’m not going to lie and say this “me” day has been perfect. There were times that I did want to workout, really bad. The walking I did really helped me to push those thoughts aside though. My legs are sore and tired, I know they need the rest today, and I know that if I get on the treadmill I am simply going to run myself into the ground. I thought of just beating up on Evie for a little bit, but I think a “me” day is just what my body wants.

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When was the last time you had a “me” day?
What would you do on a “me” day?

Marvelous is…our last wedding of the summer!! Ninja’s friend from karate got married this Saturday. It was a really nice wedding, the only downside was no cake. What is it with people and not serving wedding cake anymore?!

Instead of cake we got GIANT chocolate covered strawberries (which were freaking amazing) and mini cupcakes. Since all I really wanted was cake doused in frosting, I went ahead and licked the frosting off my cupcakes and left the little cake on the plate. I’m such a rebel.

Marvelous is…getting dressed up and feeling pretty. Oh and I got numerous compliments throughout the evening from older ladies telling me how cute my dress was. One of the younger ladies actually told me I was “rocking the dress something fierce.” Not really sure what that one means but I took it as a compliment! And Ninja’s friend asked him how the heck he ended up with such a hot wife. HA. Good times.

Getting ready and snapping a bathroom pic at the receptionNinja and I at the wedding

Marvelous is…getting to spend some quality time with Mama! Ninja and I took her out to lunch Sunday at one of her favorite restaurants, Lazy Dog cafe. We split the usual, a veggie lavish sandwich and the tex mex salad.

The sandwich is stuffed with avocado, cheese, spinach, onion, radish, tomato and cucumber. Definitely one of the most refreshing little sandwiches I’ve ever had!  After we spent time with my Mama we headed over to Ninja’s parent’s place to BBQ it up and relax. Pretty low key of a celebration, but that’s how we always do it. We are definitely more of a relaxing family than a partying family!

Marvelous is…taking some time away. I stayed away from the blog world from Friday till today, and it was nice to be away. Sometimes you just need a bit of a breather you know? Plus with my beginners carpel tunnel, I need the break from time to time!

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How was your Mother’s Day?
Does your family usually have a big Mommy’s Day celebration or do you keep it more low key?

So pretty much the day I told you guys I had switched to cold breakfasts because of the heat, a cold front came in to LA. Needless to say, my eats have changed just a bit! I’m one of those people who really crave warming and comforting foods when the cold rolls in, so since the rainy and cloudy weather has been around I have been working on my pancake skills.
Delicious looking right?! These are my go to protein pancakes. I make a huge batch of them and then use them throughout the week for breakfasts before work. I’ll be posting the recipe soon so stick around!

The lunch I have been having has been more comfort food. I sit right by a large window at my office, so when I stare outside at the rain or clouds, all I tend to want is a big mug of coffee and warm food. Well, I’m trying not to drink myself into caffeine oblivion so the coffee is a no-go for the afternoons, but warm food isn’t!

sweet tater topped with refried beans, broccoli, cheese and plenty of garlic powder and fajita seasoning

This meal was seriously the bomb.com. Oh and it took me about 5 minutes to make which makes it that much more amazing. Basically I just whipped up a bunch of sweet taters at the beginning of the week as well as steamed some broccoli. In the mornings I slather on the beans, dump in the broccoli and seasonings and add on my cheese. At lunch I nuke it all together and chow down!

Dinner has been basic and simple so far this week. I usually try to go all out every dinner since I know how hard Ninja has to work during the day, but I haven’t really been in the mood you know? Just feeling slightly uninspired in the kitchen when it comes to dinners. Why can’t we just have pancakes for every dinner?!

crackers and hummus, crockpot pulled chicken and steamed brussels doused in garlic powder

To answer your question, no Ninja did not eat this with me. He got the pulled chicken in BBQ sandwich form along with some steamed broccoli since he is not a brussels fan. I don’t mind making 2 completely different dinners on most days. I want what I want and he wants what he wants. As long as everyone is happy then who cares right?!

And of course there were several snacks throughout the day, but the most important one looked like this.apple and barney butter

I’m going to be honest with you guys, I think Barney butter might be my favorite almond butter. It is so stinkin smooth and creamy! The only issue? I don’t think it tastes like almond butter. Since there is no grit of the almonds and it’s literally smooth as a baby’s booty, I tend to forget that I am eating almond butter!! Weird?!

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Anyone ever want to shoot the annoying birdies outside their window?
Favorite nut butter brand?

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I had a rough day Monday. Everything about it was just off. I felt sluggish, bloated and all around pathetic. I can’t even put my figure on the exact reason. It was just one of those days.

And as the day went on, everything seemed to get worse.

I had a doctor appt scheduled Tuesday for just a simple annual check up and I called and rescheduled it. Want to know why? Because I didn’t want to get on the scale. Yep, that’s the kind of day it was.

But then came my soccer game. The one place I can totally let loose and just be. But low and behold, the field let me down as well. Ok, the field didn’t let me down since it is just a patch of grass, but you get the image I’m going for. We lost, and I played like I had no idea what I was doing. My touches were off, I was out of breath in 1 sprint, and I just couldn’t get my head in the game.

All I could think about after the game was what my mom used to tell me after a soccer tournament. "I’m your biggest fan, and I’m your worst critic." And she really was. She was the 1st one there to point out the good, and the 1st one there to ream me after a bad game. I could almost hear all the things should would be saying to me after Monday night’s game.

But no matter how harsh she was, she was never as harsh as I was on myself. If we lost the game, it was my fault. If we won the game, it was someone else’s good play. It never had anything to do with me.

But my bad mood and attitude had nothing to do with Monday night’s game, it just all came to one big pile of poop after Monday’s game. That was the tip of it all I guess. The straw that broke the camel’s back if you will.

So Monday night I stood in the shower crying like a fool. I was mad at myself for my poor attitude. Mad at my body for not performing better. Mad at my mom for ever critiquing me. Just straight mad.

And after I showered I told myself what I did after every bad game, "Tomorrow I am going to work hard to prove that I am worthy. Tomorrow I will push myself until I am better."

And Tuesday morning that is what I planned on doing. I walked my mom’s dogs for an hour, then came home and jumped on the treadmill. Even though my legs were tired and my back was tight, I cranked up the speed and begun my sprint workout.

And then I had to stop. My right shin seized up on me. It was so tight I thought it might explode. Then I looked down and noticed 2 large lumps pushing through my skin.

I have played through anything and everything.

• I played with a broken left wrist for an entire weekend before having it put into a cast. I just taped it up and held it to my body as I ran.
• I chipped my ankle bone in high school. I could barely walk, let alone run, but I taped it up and hobbled around as best I could.
• I tore my meniscus when I was 14 and played with a knee brace and an addiction to Advil for 6 months until the season had ended. Then, I got surgery.
• I got punched in the head by a goalie and had a concussion. Twice. And played through both.
• I got shin splints so bad that I eventually developed a stress fracture in my right leg. I played for as long as I could, until a doctor and my mom wrote my coach a letter to force me off the field.

And those are just the major injuries. In the beginning, I pushed through the pain simply for my love for the game. I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t want to let my team down.  But some where along the way, I pushed through to punish myself. I kept going because I thought I deserved the pain.

But on Tuesday as I looked down at the giant lumps on my tight right shin, I realized that I didn’t deserve the punishment I was putting myself through.

• I love working out.
• I love the feeling I get.
• I love feeling powerful.
• I love pushing myself past my boundaries.

But I do not love self torture. I do not love stupid injuries. And I definitely do not love the way I have been punishing myself.

So on Tuesday I didn’t try to push through the pain. I pulled out our stationary bike and pedaled for 40 minutes, until the swelling in my leg subsided. After that, I hoped off and stretched, then went on with my day without another thought of punishing myself.

I’m a competitive person. I fight and play hard, because I want to win. Losing is not fun for me. But what I have realized this week, is that regardless of how many soccer games my teams are actually winning, I’m the one who is really losing.

Because what the hell am I doing to my body? I am driving it into the ground. I have large lumps on my shin from Lord knows what. Go ahead and google it. You’ll find no answer as to what they are. Shin splints? Not likely. The only thing I came up with is the shin muscle is protruding through the leg. And how do you fix that problem? With rest, the one thing I simply don’t know how to do.

I’m not giving up on working out, I love it way too much. I think it’s really just time that I analyze all the punishment I am putting my body through and why.

• Am I playing through this sprained ankle because I love to play soccer and want to help my team, or because I feel like I deserve the pain?
• Am I forcing myself to get in a workout even though I’m exhausted because I know I will feel 100% better afterwards, or is it because I feel like I have to burn off the calories?

So my revelation is this: It’s time to reevaluate. It’s time to stop the punishment. It’s time to stop the pain.

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Ever battled through an injury instead of resting it?
Anyone know what the bumps are on my shin?